Story: First Reflect and Renew
Judy BackhouseKord was unhappy. This was the start of the thirty-third year and the following year, the thirty-fourth, would be the first Reflect and Renew. Admittedly, the slight hangover from a celebration last night, added to the feeling of nausea and misery, but the unhappiness was deeper than that.
E stared out of the window of the sleep-room on level 174. Fronds of green fringed the window; a flight of Hadedas swooped past. In the far distance, e could see a herd of elephant moving slowly across the plain towards the watering hole. E envied the elephants their stable family structures for a minute before e spotted, trailing some way behind the herd, two young bulls, too old to be welcome anymore, but too young to venture far on their own. Even for elephants, life was not as simple as it looked.
Kord sighed, dragged the self over to the shower and gave the body a quick rinse. E knew that this was the right thing to do, that it would improve the mood. E had learned that from a resilience guide that e had consulted during a bout of depression in the 24th year, but it took deep reserves of determination to act.
In New Jozi, there were seven celebrations in the course of a life: Welcome, Emerge, and Distinction for the stages of childhood at the end of the first, third and eighth years. Resolve at the end of the 21st year which signalled adulthood, and then three Reflect and Renew celebrations at the end of the 34th, 56th and 89th years of life.
Last night had been awful. Pretending enthusiasm and excitement to the brood mates, when e felt nothing but dread; watching the words, even as the alcohol loosed the tongue, so as not to let slip how e feared Reflect and Renew; trying not to look at Wosel, the painfully attractive brood-mate e pined for but who was paired with Flace. E ran through the conversations of the night before, wondering if e had kept up an effective facade.
Kord skipped breakfast. To go to any of the eat-spaces would mean bumping into people and there was a strong possibility that some of them would be brood-mates. E headed down to the food labs where an experiment brewed. E would lose the self in measuring nutrients and figuring out the yield to resource ratio. Work was the best way to keep doubt from crashing down and crushing the self.
Wosel was waiting for Kord on ground level, sitting on one of the public benches. Kord felt a moment of terror as Wosel got up and walked directly to block the path e had planned to the underground labs.
“Hi,” Wosel said. The greeting and the smile appeared genuine.
“Hi.”
“Hungover?”
“A little,” Kord attempted a smile, but feared that the mouth had managed a grimace at best. “You?”
“That sorghum-liquor did nothing for the stomach, but it did create some clarity. Which is why I want to speak to you.”
Kord froze in terror. Had Wosel noticed the attraction? Had Flace? Had e offended?
“A group of us are getting together tonight, to discuss the Reflect and Renew. I think you should join us.”
“OK,” Kord tried to sound non-committal. “Why? It is still a year off.”
“It’s just a small group, four or five,” Wosel ignored the questions. “Please come, it is important.”
Kord looked up into the pleading deep brown eyes of Wosel. E wanted to smile. Those eyes melted the heart. E bit the lower lip and nodded, holding the breath.
“Great. One hour after sunset, in the Duiker room on level 95 of Baobab. It’s the pink level.”
“Duiker room, 95 Baobab, pink level,” e repeated, puzzling privately why they wouldn’t meet in the brood-club. Each brood maintained a suite of rooms where they could socialise.
“This will be good for you,” Wosel smiled.
Kord spent the day in the lab. The aloe hybrid was doing well and the nutrient score of the experimental sweet potatoes was way up after the new growing plan. E immersed the self in checking measurements and running projections.
At lunch time, e felt strong enough to go to a small eat-space on level 2. E went early while it was quiet and e could sit alone. As e spooned mushroom risotto into the mouth, e pondered the invitation from Wosel. “This will be good for you” was a code phrase that the brood used. It signalled intended kindness. Brood members used it when they perceived a difficulty in another and were offering help.
A kindness from Wosel? Kord tried to think back. E could not remember any kindness, or even attention from Wosel in the 32 years they had been brood-mates. Not that Wosel was unkind. Rather, e was one of those effortlessly accomplished brood-mates: the kind who does everything well, who makes elegant artefacts, gets on with everyone, knows their strengths and aligns their life well.
Kord was clumsy and shy. E had struggled to know the own strengths, had taken years to find the interest in research, attempted many paths before settling on food fabrication, and even now, felt ambivalent about it. E had few friends and, back in the brood-home, had struggled through the learnings on social integration.
Level 95, the pink level on the Baobab stack, sprawled as Kord left the lift. It was one of those levels that bulged out from the core, creating shadows for the level below, but wide open spaces from which to enjoy views and sunshine above. Rooms edged an enormous park in the centre of the platform, scattered loosely along two, and in some places, three rough streets. It took time to find the Duiker room.
E stopped at the door and took a few deep breaths. The room was empty. Eight chairs stood in a circle. Tea was ready on a side table and e helped the self to a mug of chamomile to calm the nerves. E took a seat facing the door and waited.
Next to arrive was Hing, a brood-mate and old friend.
“Kord, you here too?”
“Yes, although I am not sure why.”
“Me neither. I got a message from a colleague at the library.”
Three strangers entered and introduced themselves as being from the June brood, a few months older than Kord and Hing. Wosel arrived with a brood-mate and an older person whom Kord did not know. They made tea and sat down.
The stranger spoke. “Good evening. Thank-you for coming tonight. My name is Helep and I am a reflect guide.”
Hing looked at Kord with raised eyebrows.
Helep went on, “I know that you all feel anxious about the approach of your thirty-fourth year.”
Kord heard a quick inhalation from Hing. Sudden clarity lit up the mind. That was it! The lethargy and anxiety e had been feeling were about the Reflect and Renew that would happen next year. How did Helep know this, when e hardly knew it? E looked down, not wanting to meet any eyes. E felt embarrassed.
As though reading the mind, Helep went on, “There is no need to feel embarrassed about this. Most people feel anxious as they approach their first Reflect and Renew. We arrange these interventions to help you face it constructively. I am here to tell you what to expect and to guide your own self-reflection process. Do you have any questions?”
“How did you choose us?” someone asked.
“Everyone meets with reflect guides during the 33rd year. We group you according to the observations of guides, individual requests, and community comments. We try to connect people to foster relationships that may benefit you in the next phase of life.”
“So who decides who we are grouped with?” Hing asked.
“While you have made your own paths since Resolve, this is an opportunity for the community and the guides to nudge you in other directions. We base our selection on our own observations and comments from those who know you. We evaluate the suggestions and filter out the busybodies,” e smiled around the room. “The Reflect and Renew celebrations help to avoid stagnation in adult life. They suggest directions you may not have thought of and encourage experimentation. It is how we take care of adults, recognising that they, like children, need growth and renewal.”
“Now, I want to hear from each of you how you are feeling about Reflect and Renew. Wosel, will you start?”
Wosel looked at the floor in the centre of the circle for a while before speaking. “I have been feeling nervous about it.”
Kord’s mind whipped around. Even Wosel felt this? The charming, the accomplished, the beautiful Wosel felt nervous?
“I feel pressure to be perfect, to find life effortless, but really I have found it hard. Not to do with my work, which I love, but other things.” E stopped talking and Helep moved to the next person.
An hour later, Kord walked back to the sleep-space with Hing. “That was a surprise,” Hing said.
“A good one. I feel better already,” Kord replied. “I mean, I am still uncertain about my reflection, but at least I don’t feel like the only failure in a city full of achievers.”
That night e lay on the bed, running over the conversation in the mind. E dwelt in particular on one revelation that had made the heart beat faster, playing it over in the head. Wosel had said, “I am not sure that my pairing with Flace is best for me. I would like to be unpaired for a while. I don’t want to hurt Flace, but that is the reset that I most desire.”
Kord fell asleep with a smile on the face.
